Diarrhea of the Mouth

Just Cause

2011-10-31T00:47:00.001-05:00

I have been thinking about a lot of things as of late. First, I purchased a sewing and serger machine. I want to go back to sewing and maybe get in touch with a dream I had when I was younger...make my own clothes. Ok, my dream when I was young was to design for Barbie. Go ahead laugh but my Barbie had the best clothes in the neighborhood. Fashion design was something I wanted to do. But I didn't think I could be a top fashion designer. Very few make it to the top and become a household name or an icon, which was the only type of designer I wanted to be at that time. Now, I just want to make clothes for me. Take a design I like and change it to suit me and my sense of style. I'm excited to start.
Second, I turned 37 and have become a freak about my wrinkles. Its not like I have a lot but I'm worried. With 40 just around the corner, I guess I'm becoming more aware that I won't stay looking young forever. I was told by number of people at a party a week back that I looked under 30 (thank you drunk people). Nevertheless, I went out and got anti-aging facial products. Getting older sucks.
Third, while I have become a nicer (to a point) person to others I have become very short and mean to the landlord. When he does something to annoy, piss off or anger me I say the most horrible things to him. My ability to deal with his selfish drunken ways has become zero. Back in the day, I use to think (for the most part) his drunken behavior was funny now I just want to stab him in the face with a pencil. I need to work this.
Fourth, I cut my hair...22 inches. Yep, gone. And while I like it, I miss it. So now the question is, do I grow it back and go through the awful growing out stage or embrace the idea that I look pretty good with shorter hair and keep it, which is more flattering for a women in her late 30's.
Fifth, get an iphone or keep the android phone now that Sprint has the iphone...I can't decide. Of course, I won't make a switch until my contract is up because there is no way in hell I will pay full price for an iphone. My biggest issue with the iphone...not 4G ready and no slide out keyboard.
Sixth, do I want a tablet/ipad? Do I need it? Will I use it? Need to do more research on this.

Jobs

2011-06-15T10:28:00.000-05:00

I don't understand. They say people are having a hard time finding jobs that there isn't jobs to be found. Yet, when I go look there are TONS of job listings. I was looking at State of Wisconsin, City of Milwaukee and federal job and the job listings went on and on. I didn't even hit the private sector. Where are these people looking for jobs? I was grant you that the pay may not be up to what you use to make back when Clinton was in office but a job is a job right? I mean if I were to loose my job today, for one, I can live on unemployment without much problems (just means no more shoes for me), two I am pretty sure I can pick up a waitressing/bartending job somewhere (use to make great money just no bennies) and three I would be sending out my resume until every HR department knew my name. I don't know, I never had a problem finding a job. Work is work and yes, there are times when you aren't working at your dream job or even a job that you are proud to say you are working at your age (waitressing). So I ask again, why is the unemployment rate so high? Where are these unemployed people looking to find jobs? Are they even looking? Are their skills so specialized that jobs that fit them aren't there? Maybe you should apply for jobs that aren't in your normal skilled trade. I mean if you aren't working is waitressing or flipping burgers really that shameful? At least you are working. I'm just saying.

HSN

2011-05-26T22:20:00.001-05:00

I have been watching HSN the pass few days and found some amazing products from Ready To Wear. One is a lash extension and another is a brow liner which doesn't wipe off without soap and water. I'm so getting them. With my stub for lashes and years of over plucking, I'm super excited to try them both!

Ugh

2011-05-26T00:55:00.002-05:00

My back is killing me. It's like I need to crack it but I can't seem to get it to crack. You would think with losing half my body weight that I won't have back problems. But my friend said something interesting to me.

Friend: With all the weight you lost, you don't have the strength, weight, to off set your huge boobs. I mean you are still a D cup. With you being so small now, it doesn't surprise me your back hurts more now than it did before, when you were fat.

Ok, for one, I don't like the fat anymore. I don't know something magical happend once I started to lose weight that I don't like the word anymore. And two, is it possible that I could be in more pain than I use to be? I men I did lose some boobs. I went from a 42DD to a 34D. Because I don't have the big belly and ass to off set the weight of the boos am I going to have more problems with the tits?

I am not against the idea of getting a smaller pair of boobs. Actually I would welcome it. While most women would love to hae big boobies, I am not one of them. Do you know how hard it is to find a 34D in a bra? A cute bra? do you know how hard it is to find tops that fit? If it fits in the boobs then it's too big in the belly. If it fits in the belly hen it's too small around the boobs and one piece clothing like a dress? Forget it.

My tits look like banana, National Geographic titties anyways. Getting them smaller and perkier won't be bad at all and have it all covered by insurance...oh hell yeah!

In the meanwhile, someone give me some help with this back pain. It's annoying and actually really hurts.

Chapter 2 The New Daddy

2011-05-26T00:33:00.003-05:00

From what I know, being a single mother of a daughter (not a son) and of mix race in South Korea, you aren’t a super catch. As I had said before in the Asian culture, you shouldn’t really marry out of your race. I don’t know why this is. But my mother being half white and half Asian didn’t make her dateable. But she did find a man, a man who was divorced with three kids. He was tall for an Asian man. Long and lean with shape features. He was older than my mother, I remember that. Maybe 10+ years or so. And he was different as night and day from my father. Where my father was gentle and kind, my step father was hard and cold. He was a man who believed a woman’s role was behind her husband, shadowing him, pleasing him and breathing and living for him and his wants and needs. And he didn’t care for me. I was not a son, and I was not his. I was everything he hated. I was bright, I was beautiful and I was strong willed. My mother had taught me to be strong woman, to never settle for anything less than what I wanted and what my heart desired. I was clever and had been spoiled all my life. My mother worked hard to give me everything I wanted. The pretty clothes, the toys, along with a roof over my head and a chance for an education. To be better than she ever could be or even dreamed of. And this was everything my step father hated.

He was a drunk, abusive and intolerant of anything less than being totally submissive to his will. At the beginning my mother was the target of all his rage. He be gone for days and when she would question where he had been he would beat her for not minding her own business and questioning his authority. I was little, around 4. I remember watching him giving my mother blows after blows. Sometimes, I try to protect her other time I sat in the corner in fear, unable to move. If she knew there was going to be a fight she would send me downstairs to the landlord's and get me in the morning. She would have new marks on her face, arms and body. A split lip, a new cut. She did what she could to protect me. But after awhile it got to be too much for her. She had aged it seemed like over night. She skin seemed to loose the glow, the youthfulness. The lines on her face grew deeper and the circles under her eyes darker. Her body thin and fragile. Her spirit gone, the joy and laughter non-existence. She became just a body without a soul. She became a drunk herself to dull the pain. To dull the physical pain as well as the emotional pain, of what her life had become. I understood, even at that young of an age why she wasn’t really a mother to me anymore. Why she didn’t sit and comb my hair anymore or that the loving mother I once knew was gone. I was him, he had taken that. He had taken my mother one blow at a time. He had taken everything that was beautiful about her with his fists. He hadn’t wanted a wife, he had wanted a slave. Something he could own and completely control. And he had thought she was the prefect victim. What a better target than a mother with a child, a girl at that, with little means to make it on their own.

My step father’s rage became more frequent and more violent. And it no longer was just targeted at my mother. I’m guessing that it wasn’t so much fun to beat on someone who no longer fought back. That took the punishment without question. The thrill for him was breaking the spirit of the person he was putting into submission. And my mother had given up; she had no will to fight back. I on the other had been a different story. While I didn’t try to engage his anger, I didn’t take it sitting down. I challenged him, stand up to him. In the beginning, I would cry, beg and pleated for him to stop. But after awhile, the pain of the physical abuse was nothing. His rage became mine and I would fight back. Of course he always win. But I wasn’t going to be like my mother. I wasn’t going to let him win the war, maybe the battle but never the war. And that fueled his rage even more. No matter how many times he hit me, no matter how painful his blows were, I didn’t let it show and I never backed down. I would scream at him, tell him what a bad person he was. I would question his answers and actions. Somewhere along the line I become my mother protector. When she wasn’t so into the bottle she do her best to protect me from his anger but it never helped much. She would just end up getting the beating as well as me.

I never understood why she stayed with him. Why she didn’t leave. And how she could lay next to him at nights after everything he had done. In Korea, most homes aren’t like homes here in America. You all shared one room. We had three rooms. The summer room, which was the biggest. It had my parent’s bed, a TV and a space where my mat was for me to sleep on (I didn't get to sleep on a real bed until 1983). You did everything in this room. In the winter time you moved to the winter room, which was half the size of the summer room. But the floor was concrete and you could warm the room by burning a very large piece of coal under the room which heated the floor. And there was the utility room. That had the running water, where you made your food and bathe. The toilet was downstairs, not even a toilet really but an outhouse. Just a hole in the ground that you squatted over to do your business. It was shared by everyone, us the landlords and customers of the restaurant. I lay there at nights thinking of my hatred for my step father and how he would die while having to listen to him make love, if you can even call it that, to my mother. I never understood why and how she would allow herself to be with him. I guess she didn’t really have a choice. I mean, a man like him just took what he wanted. I doubt he asked for permission.

Every once in awhile my mother would send me away for the summer to go stay with a man. I have no idea if he was family or not. I don’t think so. The man looked nothing like my mother. He was 100% Asian. I called him uncle. He lived by the beach in a busy city. I spend hours on the rooftop of his building he lived in playing with my paper dolls. From the rooftop I could see the beach and he only took me once. The beach was filled with people. All different kind of people. Everyone looked happy, enjoying their time. I fell in love with the beach.

My uncle was the man who taught me how to tell time. Back then there weren’t digital clocks. It was the old fashion hand clocks. And when I won’t get the time right, I was punished. Bamboos stick cross my palms. It didn’t take me long to learn. The stink of the bamboo slapping across your hand was more painful than anything. More painful than my step fathers blows. Maybe because, my uncle wasn’t hitting me to just hurt me but to teach me something he believed I needed to know. Maybe because I knew I could avoid the punishment if I just learned to give the right answers. That it wasn’t punishment for no reason. That it disappointed him when I didn’t get the correct answer. At least there was a reason to his type of pain he caused. I understood his punishments and why, it hurt more even if it physically didn’t do the damage that my step father inflicted. But still, it was another man causing me pain. It didn’t really matter if I understand his reasoning or not. It seemed all men were the same. They just liked hitting women. But my time with my uncle wasn’t all bad. It was warmer where he lived than where my mother lived. And the punishment weren’t often. And once I learned to tell time, they ended. Then I was free to sit on the rooftop and just daydream about the beach, soaking in the sun and playing with my paper dolls.

It didn’t take long for me to really become emotionally distance towards people. My mother wasn’t my mother anymore. She was a ghost. And my step father, well he was a piece of shit. School became my only escape from my life. The only place that I felt normal. And I loved school. I excelled at school. I was smart, so they told me. I was always at the top of my class. There wasn’t a subject I wasn’t good at. Language, math, science, art and music, you name it and I was good at it. All of it. I was liked by other students and the teachers. I was perfect. Smart, welled dressed, pretty and popular. Little did people know my home life was a nightmare.

I wished my life was like this all the time. Just happy and simple. Not having to worry about a mother who was never mentally around, a step father who likes to use me as a punching bag and not living in fear and anger. I daydreamed about it a lot. What life was like without all the chaos that seems to surround me. Living at the beach without a care in the world. Just to feel like I did when I was at school.

Then it occurred to me, why can’t it be like that all the time? Why do I need to live the way I was living? What was stopping me? I wasn’t emotionally attached to anyone anymore. My mother was lost to me. If she wasn’t drunk, she was all doped on pills and drugs. The only time she seemed to show any signs of life was when she was crying, which was only when my step father wasn’t around. And my step father? Who gave a shit. He could get eaten by a pack of wild dogs and I won’t have cared. I won’t even lift a finger to help. In fact I would stand back and laugh as he slowly and painfully died. No one truly cared about me, really. And I didn’t care for anyone. The only person, I believed to care about me, my father was gone. He had left me behind. Left my mother and me behind. There wasn’t anyone else.

Chapter 1 The Beginning

2011-05-24T23:08:00.003-05:00

I'll start as far back as I can remember and work my way forward. Things are fuzzy and there will be gaps but you will get the general picture.

My mother was half British and South Korean. From what I understand my grandmother was British and my grandfather South Korean. If they were married or not, I don't know. I don't remember either one of them. I barely remember my mother. My father, a South Korean was a solider in the military. While my memory of my father is limited, I believe it was a loving relationship. He was a good dad. Loving as a father can be, from what I remember. But as my life seem to go he was there one day and gone the next. As the story goes, he died while serving his country. I have no idea if that is true. I like to believe it is. I like to think I came from a loving union of two people. That I started my life from good beginnings. From a good man and a good woman.

I can't picture his face. Its fuzzy when I try to remember. So I just fill in the blanks. I picture him handsome, strong and brave. A good man who provided for his family that loved his wife, eventho only half asian and his daughter. If you know anything about asian cultures, they don't care to marry out of their own race. I'm sure it wasn't easy for my mother being of mix races and hit the jackpot when she found a good man who didn't care she wasn't pure of race.
My mother was beautiful. Maybe not to other asians but to me she was. And once my father was gone I was her whole life.

My short life with my father and mother, together as a family was good. We lived well, middle class I would guess. Our home was by the mountains which could be viewed from the windows of our home. It was amazing...at least that's how I remember it. The house was filled with laughter and love. My mother would sit me by the window and comb my long hair, telling me how beautiful I was. How I looked more like my father, meaning more asian, and I would find a good korean husband someday like my father. But those heartwarming memories were soon to end.

After my father was gone we moved to the city. I must have been around 3 or so. My mother had to find work. She sewed. We lived aboved a seafood resturant. It wasn't a bad place. No mountain views, actually no view at all but rooftops and the dirty city. The landlord downstairs were nice and had kids my age I could play with. They watched me while my mother worked. She was gone a lot.

My days were spent mostly playing and watching the different people prepare all sorts of sea creators for the resturant. I saw turtles beheaded, octopus sliced and diced and all sorts of fish. The turtles interested me the most. They take a turtle out of the water bucket and wait. Wait for the turtle to stick its head out and than...whack! The headless turtle would go back into the bucket. The blood would turn the water red, like kool-aid. They still swim for a bit, headless but then nothing and the next one would be on the chopping block. Why this interested me, I don't know. I think I was facinated by the turtles and how even without its head it could still swim, even if it was only for seconds. The sound of the knife coming down to behead the turtle always made me jump. They never missed. Years of practice insured 100% kill rate. I never saw what they did after that to the turtles. I wasn't allowed in the resturant part often. But every once in awhile I got to see. People would be dining. I remember seeing people eating octopus. Some cooked but mostly raw. The tenticles still moving on their plate. They wrap the tenticles tight around chop sticks, dip it in a sauce and eat it. I often wondered what it tasted like, the texture. Not that the resturant was fancy but we never ate there. I would guess we didn't have the money to.

Life with just my mother and I wasn't bad. She still combed my hair everyday and filled my head with dreams of a loving husband who would take care of me and love me as my father did my mother. I was bright for my age and from what others told me, beautiful. It was always "beautiful girl, she won't have trouble finding a good husband". While it was nice to be thought beautiful, I wondered if that's all it really mattered. My mother was beautiful, at least in my eyes, and love and happiness had only granted her a short amount of time. She worked hard to make sure I had everything. The long hours and being a single mother had taken its toll. While she as still young and attrative the stress was starting to show on her face.

My mother had big dreams for me. To marry well. That my "prettiness" would catch me a husband with means. That I would have a better life than she had. I'm guessing that she didn't grow up with a lot. To think of it she didn't talk about her parents much, actually it was rare. I don't think I ever saw them. Maybe why I can't remember what they look like. I think life wasn't easy for her before my father. And now with him gone the hope and happiness disappeared for her. So I became her great hope.

I wonder what she would think if she knew me now? Would she be pleased at how my life turned out? Or would she be disappointed?

Been a long time

2011-05-24T02:08:00.001-05:00

Been forever since I have posted anything. And yes I'm still alive. My life has been boring. Work and of course my normally life with my landlord. I'm doing from my phone so if there is a lot of errors...fuck you. You shouldn't be reading my blog if you don't like spelling and grammer errors.
So, what's new? Nothing really. I'm down to 120 pounds. Not quite the 105 I wanted to be but I'm working on it. Still vomiting when I eat protein. My doctors don't have an answers or a solution for it.
I have been thinking a lot about my life lately. Not so much the future but the past. I'm not sure why just been thinking and remembering. I'm thinking of writing it all down (on here of course) and having a record of it. As I get older the memories become more faded. And while I try my best to live in the past, I have been discovering it has shaped more of my life than I want to admit. It kind of explains a lot of my dealings with relationships, people and life in general. Its an interesting journey I have been on and maybe its time to say it out loud. Sharing it with all of you, really isn't the goal because as you know I could give two shits but for me. To remember more, reflect and maybe discover answers to questions I didn't even know I had. I wonder what other people do if they had a colorful past? Is it worthwhile to dig back? To bring up old demons, bad dark memories and maybe even emotions I have carefully (or not so carefully) packed away in the depths of my brain? I'm thinking why the hell not but...what might happen? This is what I have been thinking of for a few months.
If I do think, it may be all I blog about for awhile. It might take me until the end of the year to write almost 37 years worth of shit.
Anyone else done this and if so how did it go? Was it enlightening?

What is Wrong With Me?

2011-01-12T21:46:00.001-06:00

My tummy has been hurting me all day. Almost crapped myself at work...twice. Vomited in my office was my boss walked in and had to lay down after work just to deal with the pain. Its been like this for two weeks now. And its not the flu.

Some good news, the skirts in size 2 is bought is too big.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Hell Yeah!

2011-01-11T21:52:00.001-06:00

Worked 9 hours, worked out for an hour during lunch. Went to Pick N Save and got food for the next few weeks. Packed breakfast and lunch for tomorrow, made hard boiled eggs for future lunches, did the dishes, picked up the house, feed the landlord (chips and salsa) and the dog (one hard boil egg) and laid out clothes for tomorrow. Now enjoying a much needed cigarette and a glass of sugar free strawberry fat free milk. Burning 2000 calories while eating less than 1000. Size 0 here I come! Down to 121 pounds. 105 is within reach by summer!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Current Weight

2011-01-06T20:44:00.001-06:00

122 pounds.

Well on my way to 105 pound by summer. 1000 calories a day, walking an hour 5 days a week and weight training 4 days a week for 30 minutes. I'm in a size 3 dress pants, size 5 in jeans and junior med in tops and extra small in women's.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

I Foresee

2010-12-25T17:59:00.001-06:00

The landlord will be fucked up by 7:30pm ruining Christmas celebration. Selfish asshole who only thinks of himself. Ugh.
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Day 2 of 11

2010-12-24T22:18:00.001-06:00

With my work giving us (the landlord and I work for the same agency) 11 days off from work, we were prepare to celebrate the holiday season in a fuzzy haze. Ok me not fuzzy but the landlord. It started out good. We stopped at our new favorite bar on wednesday night and he got tanked. Thursday night we stopped at 4 different bars and went home also unable to walk. But today, we got a late start and before 9:30 the landlord told me he needed a ride home that he was done.
WTF! We have only been out for 4 hours. And I was no where near ready to call it a night.
Being the good sober driver and roommate I drove him home and came back to the bar.
Now I'm stuck sitting next to Dan the douche bag, who I hate and wish dead everyday. How I get myself into these situations is beyond me.
To top it all off the whole time the landlord was at the bar he spent texting this fat, cat owning, ugly, bad dresser, annoying bitch who I don't like. Maybe she will hit a path of road ice on her way back from AL and hit a tree. Just saying. Don't judge me. I can wish.
Seriously this night kind of sucks.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Blah

2010-12-21T22:14:00.001-06:00

The bar is slow and its giving me a headache. The landlord is talking to the local idiot, the bartender is teaching two young guys how to play bar dice and I'm bored. If this is peek at what my long weekend is going to be (11 days off of work, paid) than I rather work.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

2010-12-11T01:13:00.001-06:00

There is nothing like buying shoes to make a girl happy. Especially at an awesome deal.

Why?

2010-12-05T22:21:00.001-06:00

Why is it so hard to men to say they are sorry and mean it? Why is it so hard to listen and try to see the other people’s point of view? I don’t get it. Why is this something men cannot seem to do?

Last night the landlord and I were talking about what we were going to do today. I didn’t care so I told him we could do what he wanted. Go where he wanted to watch the Packer’s game. He stated that he wanted to stay home and watch it in the basement, where he and I had set up the surround sound (with two subwoofers, moved the TV and the sectional couch) so he can save some money since he felt he had spend a lot this weekend. I said fine and agreed to his plan.

Of course this morning, he had changed his mind and decided that he wanted to go to a bar that dislike, where my least favorite person was going to be. Dan, a friend of the landlord and I haven’t really spoken since the day I told him off.

Dan is a person who value people according to their income. If you make more than him, he feels you deserve respect and his attention. If you are on the same level as him (the landlord) then you are cool. But if you make less then him, well forget it. He will treat you as a piece of shit and look down upon you. And one day I got sick of his views and told him off and told him how he treats people. Well that of course didn’t go well. First, he didn’t even know that is the way he treated people and was upset that I would even think that. Second, he blames me for the break down of his relationship with his girlfriend, who is married and who I happen to be friends with. And finally, the money the landlord was missing about a month ago, Dan believes it is me who stole it. And he isn’t really shy about talking shit about me. Which is ok. Because it’s natural to talk crap about someone you don’t like. I do it, you do it, and we all do it. So I keep my distance. If the landlord wants to hang out with Dan, I don’t attend if I don’t think I can deal with being in the same room as him. We have been in the same room, we just don’t communicate.

So at 3:30 this afternoon when I got a call from the landlord asking me to pick him up from the bar because he was uncomfortable, I didn’t hesitate to say I would pick him up. The landlord suggested, that we go to a new place we discovered last night that allows smoking for a small fee. So I got ready as quick as I could (10 minutes) and went out the door. When I got there the landlord told me that he would be right out and I waited. As I waited one of the regulars that I don’t really know, walked up to my car and had a small chat with me.

Guy: hey sorry about your friend. It’s my fault he is so drunk. We played diced and well. And that one Sunday when you wanted him to come home so you could “talk” to him, well that was my fault to.

Me: no problem. Thanks.

I was bit shocked by this. The rule always has been that we (the landlord and I) don’t talk about our relationships with others. He said that no one needs to know our business. It was his rule. And I have been very good about keep that rule. So when a stranger to me comes up to me and tell me he knew I wanted to “talk” to the landlord when we weren’t talking to each other because we were fighting, it made me a bit speechless and taken off guard. But I thought to myself, not a big deal girl. It’s a small thing. You and he are getting along and don’t let this bug you. Then the straw that broke the camels back happened. The landlord came out after what seemed like forever, allowing me to sit there thinking and thinking with the group of guys standing outside smoke staring at me with Dan. And before I knew it the landlord was helping Dan into my car.

No hello, no thanks for picking me up, no is it ok if we drive Dan home. It was just assumed that I would take Dan home. What am I going to do, the guy is drunk out of his mind and can’t even get into the car without help. So with my temper about to blow and I drove Dan, the asshole, home. By the time I had gotten to Dan’s house, which isn’t far away from the bar (like 3 blocks), I had shut down. I didn’t feel like going anywhere so wanting to talk to the landlord. I was so mad that he would even put me in that position. It is no secret to the landlord that I do not like Dan. I actually hate Dan. I wasn’t lying when I said that if Dan died, I wouldn’t shed a tear or miss him. I won’t even care. And while that may be cool, that is really how much I hate him. And not that I am a super loving person I don’t hate people. Might dislike people and be indifferent to people but I don’t hate people. But I hate Dan. I hate everything about him. But I won’t go on about why because, that’s a different post. Maybe some other day.

So after dropping off Dan, I drove straight home.

L: we aren’t going anywhere?

I didn’t answer. I was upset and didn’t want to say anything that I didn’t mean because I was mad. I just wanted some distance from him until I cooled off.

At 9:00 tonight I went upstairs and tried to talk to him. I explained to him how I didn’t like what he did. As usual he was more annoyed then understanding. He pretty much ignored most of what I said and all he got out of it was…

L: I will never put Dan in your car again.

UGH! It’s deeper than that. Why would he first of all put me in that position? And just because he is drunk, why is it my job to make sure he gets home safe? Would Dan do the same for me? Of course not. So why do I need to be the bigger person? And why break the rule of not talking about our situations and problem to people, especially when I am to follow it without question? The landlord couldn’t understand why I be upset about any of it.

L: what is the big deal? He was drunk and lives close by. And why am I getting in trouble over what some drunken guy said to you in the parking lot? What is the point here?

The point is it would have been nice to be asked if I minded taking the evil smelly piece of shit Dan home. More than likely, I would have done it anyways but it’s nice to be asked. It is my car, my gas, my time and my ability to put up with this asshole. And the point of the guy who knew about me wanting to “talk” to him, just that if I’m expected to follow the rule of not talking about our problems then do me the same, so I am not standing there like an asshole when someone I don’t know comes up to me talks to me about it.

All I really wanted was for the landlord to see it from my point of view and maybe a sorry. Something like…

“Ok, I guess I can see your point. I didn’t think it be a big deal to drive Dan home. I know you don’t like him but he was super drunk and needed a safe way to get home. I will ask next time. And sorry about the guy. I was bothered that we were fighting few weeks back and was venting to guys over shots. I was drunk and it must have just slipped out. I could see how that might be uncomfortable for you.”

That is really all I would have needed to hear and have him understand.

I try really hard to understand his point of view all the time. If he tells me to not do something and that it bothers him, I try super hard to not repeat whatever it is that bothers him. I try to listen to what he has to say when we are talking and take everything in. But he doesn’t. He acts as if I’m just annoying him and I talk just to hear myself talk. I just don’t get it.

Why is it so hard to just listen and hear what someone has to say? If people would just listen and hear each other’s and try to see the other point of view, there won’t be as much fighting in this world. I am not saying you have to agree with the other point of view but try to understand and really listen. When people don’t do this, it makes the other person feel unimportant and not valued. I am not saying I’m right all the time. In fact I know I am wrong many times. But if you care about someone you take the time to listen.

Payday cannot come fast enough. I need to buy more shoes.

Shoes

2010-12-05T18:11:00.001-06:00

I have always loved shoes. Maybe its because I was only allowed to have two pairs of shoes when I was younger because that’s all my parents felt we needed. While my family was not poor, actually the opposite, my parents were very tight with their money. With eight kids to support (all girls) my parents spend their money on making wonderful memories for us, such as going to Disneyland and Disney World, Hawaii and Colorado for family vacations for two weeks every year. We never lacked for anything really. There was just a limit to what we could have. Their believed in saving for the future, investing and being debt free. They paid for their house in 10 years (brand new), all cars were paid in cash (never new and we always had three cars and one van) and being able to retire at the age of 58 (lived off savings until 62 when retirement kicked in). All with only one income, my mom was a stay home mother.

Now that I am adult and can afford to have more than two pair of shoes, I have a lot of shoes. I don’t save as much as my parents do, actually not even close. If my memory serves me correctly, half my dad’s paycheck went into savings, investments and 401K (I saw one of his paycheck stubs once and was blown away). But I do save (small amount). Once my bills are paid, I spend my what I call free money on clothes and shoes. It’s something that makes me happy. The landlord thinks I am crazy. That one person shouldn’t have so many clothes or shoes. And some days when I look at all the shoes and clothes I have, I wonder if he is right.

But on the flip side, it’s something I love and enjoy. There is nothing like wearing a cute pairs of shoes with a fabulous top and looking good, which in turn makes you feel good. I’m not a name brand whore. Actually I’m quite the bargain shopper. This weekend I went to Kohl’s and got three sweaters for less than $23. I don’t pay more than $20 for a pair of shoes. I will hunt the sales, coupons and deals. Even at work I have the reputation for being cheap and being a bargain shopper. Working for a non-profit organization every penny counts and I make sure to keep the cost of supplies down as much as I can. In just about thing I buy, you better bet I did my homework on the price and did my best to get the best deal as possible.

Ex-husband use to tell me that I was the only person he knew that could leave the house with $200 and come back with 7 bags of goods. I cut costs anywhere I can. I dye my own hair, did away with going to the nail salon and have taught myself how to do it myself. I roll my own cigarettes (comes to a $1.10 a pack). When I see something for a GREAT deal, I get as much as I can afford if it’s an item that I will have to buy on a regular bases (such as shampoo, perfume, make-up, etc).

Some people are emotional eater; I’m an emotional buyer. The more upset and down I am the more shopping I do. The happier I am the less I shop. I can go back to my bank statements and tell you when I was an emotional wreck by seeing all the charges on my account. This year has been a bit different. With me slimming down 107 downs I was forced to shop even when I was happy (maybe not forced…lol).

Where was I going with this post? I have no idea. I felt like writing and putting what I was thinking about in my blog. To some shoes are shoes. To me they are more than shoes. It’s my emotions. It reflects changes in my emotions. When I feel sassy, it’s the 6 inch platforms, when I feel I need comfort and warmth, it’s my flat knew high boots. When I feel fun and carefree, it’s my Converse. I can remember for the most part what I was going through when I bought each of my shoes. Most of my shoes have been purchased when I have been fighting with the landlord. Some were when I was stressing about work or just my life in general.

So the next time you see a woman buying shoes or know someone with a lot of shoes. It may not be just shoes to that person. Those shoes may represent so much more.

Fuck, this post sucks. I’m sorry.

Some of My Shoes In The Shoe and Purse Room

2010-12-05T01:13:00.000-06:00

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Happy to Hear

2010-12-02T18:24:00.001-06:00

I was told today by a co-worker how much I am liked among my co-workers and how I'm an asset to the organization.

Its nice to hear.
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Part 2

2010-11-22T10:33:00.001-06:00

Other things the landlord said to me...

I'm sorry...you are such a bitch.

I don't know what is it that you are wanting to hear but it won't be coming out of my mouth.

No more sex for you, because you get some of this penis and you feel entitled.

Not talking to you for a week was fine, I just didn't like all the walking I had to do.

I don't really care about what you feel or think. It's your problem, not mine.

WOW

2010-11-21T18:55:00.004-06:00

Here are a few of the things the landlord said to me when we finally did talk.

The football game won’t wait, you will.

Of course football and beer are more important than you.

Not talking to you for a week didn’t affect me; well I did have to walk a lot to get to places.

Is this because I haven’t given you sex in a week?

So what if I made a scene at Applebee’s and was an ass. You should just deal with it.

I can’t believe you are crying.

You aren’t worth all this.

6 Days and Counting

2010-11-19T19:58:00.000-06:00

The landlord and I are still not talking. We sit in different parts of the house when we are home. We don't say a word to each other on the ride to and from work. We don't even make eye contact. It's a bit lonely but I don't feel I did anything wrong and need to be the first to attempt to make things better. On Wednesday, I did send him an email at work offering my Chinese leftovers to him which I got no reply for. Should be an interesting weekend. This might be the longest we have gone without communicating with each other. I'm pretty sure the girl at work is happier than shit at my current situation. I guess I shouldn't of wish for all those bad things to happen to her. Karma is a motherfucker.
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Panic

2010-11-17T19:38:00.001-06:00

Emotional eating is great! It's a sure way to get back to my former self.

I woke up last night in a panic that I was fat again. I throw the covers back got out of bed looked at myself in the mirror naked. Making sure my eyes were not playing tricks on me, I jumped on the scale in the kitchen. When it read 128, I finally took a breath and went back to bed.

Yeah, emotional eating is great.
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Sometimes That's All It Takes

2010-11-15T22:19:00.001-06:00

The landlord and I got into a fight. He being drunk he was out of control. Making multiple scenes at Applebee's at dinner and being a complete asshole when we got home. Having enough I asked if he was done being an asshole for the evening. Simple yes or no answer. He wasn't able to answer at first. I had to repeat my question three times. I do have to say my tone wasn't super nice at this point. After the third time of me asking he said yes he was done. That answer being good enough for me, I sat down to watch the three movies we rented. Soon after he got up, took his beer and went upstairs.
Me: what you doing?
L: going to bed. I'm not going to be yelled at.
He did have a point I will admit. But dealing with him when he is drunk and wanting attention can be more than I can take at times.
Me: I just wanted you to stop being an ass so WE can enjoy the movie. It gets old having to endure your drunkenness at times.
L: MOVE OUT!
After a moment of silence I simply replied with...I will. This was Saturday night and we haven't talked to each other since. We live, car pool to work and work together. I spent most of today in meetings and looking for apts. I doubt he meant what he said but I'm not taking my chances. I made some appointments to see places in my budget.
We go around and around. Its the same shit over and over. At some point one of us has to bend and give. And it will have to be me because he won't. As much as I love him and would stand by his side forever, at times I wonder if me loving him unconditionally is enough. He said once I would never be good enough for him. And everyday those words echo in my head and those words become my reality more and more everyday. I think if I become smarter, had a better paying job, looked better, was more fun, whatever that maybe someday I be good enough for him. But at what point do you say no more so you stay you and not someone you don't even know anymore for someone's love? For the person you love most in the world to love you back? What is the price a person has to pay to be loved unconditionally by the person who makes life worth living? How much does one person have to give to experience being loved by that one special person? How long does one wait?
If being loved is a cake, I have always thought I was ok with a slice of cake if couldn't have the whole cake. But that slice is getting thinner and thinner. And soon I'm going to be just left with a crumb and wonder what happened.
I have gotten a total of three hours of sleep. I'm sure this post is a reflection of that. But isn't that why you read it? To get into a mind of a stupid 36 year old female and thank the gods you aren't me?
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Cranky and Snapping

2010-11-12T19:05:00.001-06:00

Our friend Dan likes to talk about how he has money, has served 3 tours of war overseas and just how smart he thinks he is. And heaven forbid you say anything that he doesn't like because he will get mad. So when normally he talks down about people who don't make as much money as him or keeps $10,000 balance in the checking account, I ignore it. I ignore his how he thinks he is above those making less and don't have cash to throw around. But today I just wasn't in the mood to talk his bullshit. I wasn't in the mood him talking about his credit score of 785 for the 497 time. I wasn't in the mood to hear about his expensive gas sucking pretty truck. I wasn't in the mood to hear about how money isn't a big deal and how anyone not at his income level is as good as he is. So when he jokingly said something about me not working hard today because I took a hour lunch, I snapped. Over reaction I know and the poor landlord stuck in the middle but really it gets old and I just wasn't in the mood. I'm sick of having to be careful of his issues and feelings when clearly he is totally ignorant to others. The landlord once said he didn't like going to his house because it smelled (and yes it smells like cat, cat piss and b.o.). He was all hurt and everyone had to backtrack to make him feel better. Say anything bad about the military and oh holy shit, he will go postal on you. So fucking excuse the shit out of me that I just didn't want to listen to your fucked up, ignorant, ego manic, selfish, b.o. stinking ass today. Get over yourself. You aren't that smart, good looking, rich or even really fun to hang out with. I hang out with you because of the landlord and if you were to die tomorrow I won't shed one fucking tear. The fact is you are important to no one and you know it. So take your high drama I'm better than you attitude and shove it up your non-wearing deodorant ass.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Facebook

2010-11-11T11:23:00.001-06:00

I trimmed my Facebook friends from 217 down to 97. Is that wrong?
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Is It Normal?

2010-11-06T17:08:00.001-05:00

Since I lost weight (current weight 129) my mind has not caught with the changes in my body. I still think I'm fat. I mean I know I'm not but when I picture myself I still see the 235 pound girl. When I dream I'm the fat girl. The only time I see what I really look like is when I see myself in the mirror. And I'm surprised at my own reflection. I still refer myself as the fat girl of the group. And am surprised when men look at me. I know I'm not fat anymore. With 106 pounds gone I'm a normal size and maybe even be considered to be small. But I can't seem to see myself that way without actually seeing myself. Like when I was fat, I worry about if my rolls are showing, if I'm sucking in my stomach enough to make it look smaller and flatter, is my double chin is showing and when taking pictures if I will appear skinny. I shouldn't worry anymore. I have lost almost half of my former self and should be delighted with my image. But in my mind my self image hasn't changed. As far as my mind is concerned I'm still that fat unattractive girl. Why is that? And is that normal? Any thoughts?
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2010-10-31T02:58:00.001-05:00

Going to bed at 10pm isn't good. Now I'm up drinking coffee unable to sleep.

Ewww!

2010-10-29T21:21:00.001-05:00

Today I was girl with a happy trail. As she reached for something on the top shelf her shirt rode up a bit to expose her stomach, which itself isn't bad (she is about 5'5" and 120) but the hair trail was disturbing. Why would a girl let that go? Why won't you wax that? She can't not know she has it. I saw it for all of 5 seconds and was grossed out. I'm thinking that if she doesn't wax her happy trail that she doesn't shave her vajaja hair either. Eww!
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2010-10-29T20:53:00.001-05:00

Was just told the heat won't be turned on until Nov. It's 60 in the house. And we are both sitting in our coats. Stupid.

What the Landlord Drank So Far vs My One Cup of Coffee

2010-10-28T21:41:00.000-05:00

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Love Knee High Socks

2010-10-28T21:23:00.000-05:00

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Why the Fuck Not?

2010-10-28T19:55:00.001-05:00

It seems most everyone thinks I'm crazy because I want to aim for 100 pounds. I just joined a gym today and going to eat better than I have been. Is 100 so bad? Would I look so terrible at 100? I don't think so. Its a change from being 235, which I was 7 months ago. As my body changes I believe there isn't anything I can't do with my body. Is it going to be hard? Of course and I may never reach 100 but its something to aim for. For once in my adult life I'm the small girl. The girl guys just randomly pick up and spin around. Really I be SUPER happy at 115 but it be a dream to reach 100. I'm actually for the most happy with 130 but be awesomer to be smaller and be toner. Can't someone just be on my fucking side and maybe support me just a little fucking bit on this? I don't think I'm fucking crazy to think I be ok at 100. Whatever. My friends suck.
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2010-10-28T17:49:00.001-05:00

My goal of reaching 115 pound is going to be a long and painful road. I don't dare dream of being 100 pounds by next summer.

Girl At Work

2010-10-27T21:16:00.001-05:00

This girl at work has been flirting with the landlord. Ok not flirting but more like throwing herself at him. They exchange emails and text. Of course I don't like this. But I have other reasons to dislike her.

1. She tried to befriend me to get closer to him. Bad move. I don't like to be used.

2. She lives with her boyfriend. Cheating whore.

3. She is too stupid and too young to know most people frown on personal relationships in the workplace. Not worth losing a job over. Even dumbass landlord knows that.

4. She a vegan, and while that itself doesn't bother me don't tell me I'm going to hell because I enjoy my meat. Don't care if they kill under grown pigs but grabbing them by their back legs and slamming them to the ground. Just let me eat my bacon in peace you freak.

5. When the landlord took 3 days off she suddenly became sick and had to go home. Yet not too sick enough to walk 8 blocks to my house when I wasn't home and at a lunch that she set up. Shady ass bitch.

6. She is a bad drunk. Like falling over, suddenly the sluttiness comes out when drunk and uses the excuse she doesn't remember her behavior. Oh ok, I see how that works.

7. She has come to my office and cried when her boss has yelled at her. Get a fucking backbone and don't whine to me.

8. She thinks buying my dog treats will endear the landlord to her. No, it just makes me mad. Don't buy my dog stuff you evil veggie eater. I will train my loving dog to bite you.

9. She is ugly and has a HUGE ass and carries herself like a 80 year old woman and dresses like one.

10. And she asked the landlord if I be willing to pick her up on Tuesday because her car is in the shop. Um, shouldn't she be asking me since I'm the one who is driving and not the landlord?

Of course I only talk to her at work when I have to and I'm professional towards her. But she wonders why I don't like her and whines to the landlord. Really is she that stupid? But I figure karma is a bitch and people like her will get what is coming to her. In the meanwhile I do my job (my boss and everyone else) loves me at work. I give her 6 months before she is fired or she quits. I'm hoping she gets fired but that's just me.
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2010-10-25T12:20:00.001-05:00

Drinking coffee all night while watching the Packer vs Vikings game is a bad idea. Didn't get to sleep until 3:30am:(

Am I Crazy?

2010-10-19T23:25:00.000-05:00

Since I have lost over 100 pounds I have needed to replace everything. From clothes, bras, underwear to shoes. I guess when you lose that much weight, everything shrinks. The landlord was nice enough to let me use his charge card at Kohl’s to replace my empty closet. I will admit, I went a bit overboard. I racked up $1300. He wasn’t happy about it and I don’t blame him. But I have been making the card payments for the last two months, always on time. The first month I did paid just the $23. The second month $360. I had to refigure my budget to add the Kohl’s payment. $400 will be going towards the card to pay it off.

So every paycheck after, rent, car payment, car insurance, cell phone, school and gas (yes I budget my gas for my Jeep), it leave about $600 left over. $400 will go to Kohl’s and $200 will be left for anything else I may need or want. In three months the card will be paid off and the landlord can stop having high blood pressure.

This is what gets me. I take complete responsibility for the charges. I made them and I will pay them. I understand I am NEVER supposed to be late with a payment. What I can not get on board with the landlord telling me how to spend my $200 that is left over. He stated that to me I am NOT allowed to buy anymore shoes or clothes until the Kohl’s charge card is paid off.

What?

I could understand if I was making the bare minimum payments, which would take forever to pay the balance. I could understand if I wasn’t paying the payments. I could understand if I was leaving myself A LOT of extra cash every two weeks that could be applied to the card. But none of this is true. And to tell me I am NOT allowed to buy shoes or clothes with my $200 every two weeks is just wrong. I guess it’s ok if I wanted to buy weed with the money, beer, food, a new CD player for my car. Anything but shoes and clothes.

Am I crazy for being upset with him for telling me how I can spend the little bit I leave myself after paying my bills and his card? While he doesn’t like or think shoes and clothes are important I do. It’s something I enjoy and like. It’s the first time in my life where I am actually really enjoying buying clothes and shoes. Not having to pass up the cute top because it doesn’t come in XXL or a nice pair of shoes because it doesn’t comes in wide width.

Please tell me if I am out of line and he is right. Because I don’t think he is. If all I have to my name is $20 and I want to buy a pair of shoes with it shouldn’t I be able to?

Ed's Last Night in Milwaukee

2010-09-29T11:26:00.001-05:00

My good friend Eddie is moving back to Chicago and while Chicago isn't far from Milwaukee it still saddens me to see him and his wife leave. They have been such a joy to have in my life. They really are the kind of people that impact your life in such a short amount a time and once they are gone, you are left with fond memories which will bring a smile to your face every time.

Ed, Dan, the landlord and I were celebrating Ed's last evening in Milwaukee. How else would you celebrate it but by sitting in a bar getting totally wasted (not me but the other three). The typical events took place, we talked about the summer trips to Gobles MI, the drunken nights of practical jokes and people we remembered. But suddenly the conversation took a turn I did not see coming and I was like a deer caught in head lights.

I have a saying, "don't ask a question unless you are prepare to hear the answer".

Ed: This is my last night here and I don't give a fuck because I'm a knuckleball. What is your relationship, exactly? (Looking at me and the landlord)

Dan: Yeah, are you dating are you not dating, are you fucking, what are you guys?

Landlord: No, no, no….

Ed: I mean you guys do everything together; you act like a couple, most people think you are a couple. I'm confused as to what you guys are. What are you guys?

Dan: I want to know this too. Fuck it I'm drunk and don't care who gets mad at me.

Ed: I'm leaving so I don't give a fuck either. So what is it?

Landlord: No, no, no we are…friends who…

Dan: What the fuck ever! You two are more than friends. I'm drunk and I can see that. I'm not stupid, drunk maybe…ok more then maybe but not stupid.

Ed: Why aren't you a couple? I mean what's the problem? Why are you two hiding it?

Me: We aren't hiding anything.

Landlord: We aren't a couple! We are roommates and friends!

Dan: You telling me that you two don't have sex and you telling me there isn't anything more than just a friendship? I call bullshit!

Ed: Seriously, I'm an old fart and have been around a long time. What is the problem?

It was like a train wreck that I could not stop. Between Ed and Dan the poor landlord was getting grilled. They weren't so much as asking me what the landlord and I were but to him. The landlord's eyes were going back and forth from Ed to Dan. His face was turning red and his eyes wide. He normally would have redirected the questions with something funny to distract his friends but nothing seemed to be working. He was shrugging his shoulders shaking his head with his hands waving by his face. As if that was going to make this situation go away.

Ed: So…c'mon man. What is the problem?

Dan: Yeah!

Landlord: She isn't good enough for me and never will be! Happy now?

BOOM

If I hadn't felt like running out of the room already, I did by now. I guess I had always known the answer but never heard him say it. And I never pushed the question because I didn't want to hear the truth. There is nothing like being told that you aren't good enough for the person you love the most in the world. And that you will NEVER be good enough for that person by that person. It was a sobering moment for me and I was already sober. No one said much after that.

I had a hard time breathing at that point and had to excuse myself from the table. I figured the farther I distanced myself from the boys (the landlord) the better. By the time I had reached the bathroom, I hadn't taken a breath. I had been holding it for god knows when. I locked myself in a stall and tried to breath. I fought back tears that wanted to pour out of my eyes. I wasn't going to let them see me cry. I wasn't going to let Him see me cry. I didn't stay long in the bathroom but decided I needed a cigarette and clear my head.

The rest of the night was a bit blur for me. I don't think I was mentally there anymore. My mind had checked out. It wasn't until I was in my bed that everything hit me. And I let it. My heart ached and my mind was running 100mph. I am not built to deal with stuff like this well. My way of protecting myself is to not know the truth if I believe the truth to be something I may not like. I curled myself into a ball hoping that would somehow keep me together. I felt like a big hole had been punched through me and that I was bleeding out.

I don't even know how to feel or what to do. Since last night I have been walking around on auto pilot. Nothing has been felt since or taste. I did what I know I have to do at work but nothing sunk in and I haven't felt anything but this dullness. When I went outside for a cigarette during work I thought about what it be like to just get in my car and go away. Just disappear and start fresh somewhere new, away from WI and away from him. I know I don't have the guts to do that but it was a nice thought. Now I wish I never had taken this job working with him, moved in with him or even met him. Not that he is a bad person but it make all this so much better to deal with. If he was just some normal person I didn't care about. I guess I will be on auto pilot for awhile.

Stupid Things I Heard This Weekend

2010-08-16T18:39:00.002-05:00

Scott: There are 52 states in the US.

Me: No there is not. There is 50.

Landlord: No there is 52. Count the stars on the flag.

Scott: 1,2,3,4...50. The flag is wrong. There is 52.

******

Rich: I don't know why you need a passport to go in and out of Canada.

Me: After 9/11 you need to passport anytime you leave the US.

Rich: But Canada is part of the US!

Me: What?

Rich: It's part of the US.

Me: No it's not. It's a country of it's own like Mexico.

Rich: Mexico is part of the US too.

Me: What? No, they are their own country like China, Italy and Germany.

Rich: Really?

*******

My friends are stupid. And I am losing brain cells just hanging around them.

More Pictures

2010-08-04T00:41:00.001-05:00

New Goals

2010-07-22T21:45:00.005-05:00

When I started this whole gastric bypass surgery thing I had set up two goals.

1) Get down to 150 pounds by 10-01-2010
2) Get down to 130 pounds by 02-23-2011

I am curently at 149 pounds. I am ahead of the game. So I'm going to try to shoot for a new goal...

Get down to 130 by 10-01-2010. Wish me luck.

Current Weight and New Job

2010-07-17T00:37:00.002-05:00

152 pounds.

The new job is interesting and I am learning a lo tof new stuff that I never knew before. Going from being a corporate bitch to a non profit tree hugger has been...adventure. But I like it so far. My boss seems cool and everyone is very nice. It is much more casual setting then at my last job. And working with the landlord hasn't been bad. I do have to do some training with him which I have a feeling is going to be interesting. I really hate it when he tells me to do shit.

FA - I will be calling you soon to rolllover my 401K...promise. I need to get that done. And you can explain to me why it is better to roll it over to my Roth IRA and not my 403B. It would seem to make more sense to roll it to my 403B but what the fuck do I know.

Current Weight

2010-07-07T00:01:00.003-05:00

157 pounds

The scale is moving slow again and I am losing hair from the lack of protein. They told me I could lose upto 1/3 of my hair and it seems they weren't lying. At the rate I am losing my hair, it won't suprprise me if I went bald. But proteins doesn't seem to like me. I can't keep it down no matter how hard I try.

The trip to MI was a blast! I went golfing for the first time and got to ride and drive a wave runner. As much fun as it was I am glad to be back home.

A lot of changes are happening in my life it seems. I start a new job on Monday. While I am excited about the job, I am nervous that I might not be good at it and live up to what they think I can do. Sometimes, I wish I didn't interview so well. My interview skills is what got me the job.

I know the posts have been boring but to be honest I just don't have the time to keep you all posted on all that is going on. And to be honest most is boring. I guess I am growing up and becoming an adult. Sorry.

Shopping

2010-06-28T09:23:00.001-05:00

So I went shopping this week for clothes...finally.

Pants size 8/10 - down from size 18/20
Tops size medium/large - down from XXL
Shoe size 7 - down from 8 wide

I'm amazed at how my body is changing. I don't think it has really hit me that I look the way I do. I still think I'm the fat funny girl of the group when I'm with my friends. The truth be told, I'm not the fat one anymore. But its hard to think differently. I wore short short shorts for the first time and my vagina didn't try to eat the shorts (bigger girls know what I'm talking about).
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I'm Awesome

2010-06-25T11:04:00.001-05:00

8 pairs of jeans
7 pairs of dress pants
3 tees
4 tanks
6 shirts

Total...$250

I love being a normal size! Clothes are cheap!

Request

2010-06-22T15:34:00.001-05:00

Swandaddy asked for a recent picture to show my weight loss. Since I hated having my picture taken I don't really have any. I will try to get a before an after picture so you all can see the progress. Might take me some time so you will have to bare with me. The before picture may be the issue. I avoided the camera like the gym before I had the surgery.

Current Weight

2010-06-21T13:05:00.001-05:00

159 pounds! My goal was to be at 160 by end of June. The new goal: 150 by end of July. Only 29 pounds until my total goal weight of 130 pounds! So excited as my body changes. I can now even put one of my legs behind my head! I have my flexibly back!

Enjoy the first day of summer!

Current Weight

2010-06-08T10:50:00.001-05:00

165 pounds.

I joined Match.com. Had my first date on Friday. I won't be going on a second date with him. All my male friends said he was hiding something. Men knows other men. Plus he lied about his height. I don't date liars.

Tired

2010-05-26T00:17:00.001-05:00

I have been feeling tired as of late. I don't know if its due to me not eating much, my inability to keep food down or just my busy schedule but whatever it is its kicking my ass and winning.

I am however well on my goal of being 150 by my birthday. Currently I am at 170. At this rate I might be at 130 by then, which will be awesome. There is only one problem with this rapid weight loss...none of my clothes fit and I'm way too cheap to buy new clothes right now. Pants are the worst, I look like I have a saggy bottom.

Side note: I interviewed for a job. I have had two interviews so far. Funny thing is, its at the landlord's company. If I get the job it will be interesting.

Current Weight

2010-05-10T21:07:00.001-05:00

178 bitches! My goal to be at 175 by the end of this month. And I get to buy some new clothes. So excited.

It's 3AM and I must be crazy

2010-05-05T12:59:00.001-05:00

I have been tired as of late. With school, work and bartending at nights I have been wiped. So last night when I went to bed, I don’t think it took anytime for me to fall asleep. IT was nice. Nice until 3am when I was awaken by the landlord yelling at our puppy Molly.

L: You can just stay the fuck out. GET THE FUCK OUT!

With a slam of his bedroom door, Molly ran into my room shaking.

Me: What did you do now Molly girl?

I went to the landlord’s room to find out.

Me: What she do?

L: I’m done. All plans for this weekend is canceled.

Me: What she do?

L: You and Molly and just get the fuck away from my room.

Me: What is your problem? What did she do? Did she poop in your room or something?

L: No. (Long pause) I peed in my room. And neither one of you helped me.

Me: What?

L: I couldn’t find my way out of my room and you guys didn’t help me. I peed on the floor.

Me: Are you kidding me? You are yelling at Molly because you peed on the floor? What the fuck! You are 33 and this is the second time this year you have peed in your room. What is wrong with you?

L: I called for help and you didn’t get up to help me!

Me: I was in my room sleeping and you shouldn’t need help. You are a grown man!

L: This is Molly and your fault.

Good lord. I don’t think it states anywhere in landlord/tenant laws that one must help a drunk get out of their room in the middle of the night when they can’t find the door out of their own bedroom. Why I pay rent is beyond me. He should be paying me for having to put up with all this shit. Seriously, who pees in their room twice in one year when they are 33?

Current Weight

2010-04-28T12:34:00.001-05:00

184 pounds

Current Weight

2010-04-18T16:30:00.001-05:00

189.8 pounds.

After many many days of the scale not moving I have finally broke into the 180s. With hope by the landlord's company party I will be around 175. But that might be hardm his party is only a month away. Good to have goals.

Current Weight: 195.5

2010-04-05T01:13:00.001-05:00

I can't seem to eat meat. I just can't seem to keep it down. How I am going to get 60 grams of protein a day is beyond me.

Not Worth It

2010-03-25T18:24:00.001-05:00

Seriously, this is what Tiger Woods paid to have sex with? She isn't worth $2000 a night.

Back To Work

2010-03-24T20:20:00.001-05:00

I'm back to work full time and I get more tired then I thought I would. It's amazing how my energy level will dip to a point where all I want to do is sleep.

The scale seems to be stuck on 200 for the past few days. I was warned that I would hit plateaus but it can be a bummer to see the scale not move. I'm hoping it will be moving again by this weekend. I will update you when it does.

Current Weight

2010-03-21T13:24:00.002-05:00

200.3 pounds

I told myself that I would not buy new clothes until I got down to 175. The way things are going that could be in another month. My goal is to be 150 by my birthday. Maybe I will surprise myself and be 130 by then.

I use to love eating but not I hate it. Its painful and I'm lucky if I can keep all my meals down. There are times that my energy level is just not there. Soup seems to be my friend these days. It's easy to eat.

I return back to work on Tuesday and I am excited.

If anyone has been through a gastric bypass surgery and want to give advice, please post. Or anyone for that matter. I need help in getting food down. The last thing I want is my for my hair to all fall out.

Current Weight

2010-03-14T20:44:00.001-05:00

208.8 pounds

I'm feeling much better and off the pain meds. I will be returning to work on March 23, which I can't wait for. In the meanwhile I have been trying to get stuff around the house without much success. Will need to work on that.

ZZZZ...NOT

2010-03-11T02:55:00.001-06:00

I can't sleep. What is my problem?

Current Weight: 213.4

2010-03-06T12:34:00.000-06:00

OMG I can't believe it!

Current Weight: ???

2010-03-04T03:28:00.000-06:00

It seems that I can not sleep unless I take pain meds and I am REALLY trying to be free of the pain meds. I went Monday without them and slept like crap. Tuesday I took them and slept like a baby…tonight no pain med and…well I’m up at 3am writing in my blog.

Nothing too much has changed. I still can’t get all my water or my protein in a day. Though I am now taking vitamins (gummie vites…yum). But I think I discovered a trick…chicken broth. While it taste good it makes me thirsty as hell, which in turns makes me pound down the water (if you can call it really pounding). I think it’s the salt in the broth. So I’m going to try to have more chicken broth in my diet.

I don’t see any difference and without a scale (still in the mail), I have no idea what I have lost, if any. The landlord seems to think I have lost like 12 pounds but it’s just a guess on his part. I keep looking at myself in the mirror looking for any signs of a change. Is my face thinner or my gut smaller? I haven’t put on any of my regular clothes on, which might be a good way to tell, see how they fit. I have been living in sweatshirts and sweatpants, comfort being the key.

Being home alone is starting to wear on me. I already hate being alone and being alone all day and night is just painful. When the landlord does come home I’m like this super needy puppy looking for attention.

Getting the energy to get my 60 minutes of workout has been a challenge as well. I’m so winded after a walk around the block. It never use to be like that but with the lack of food and every step hurting just a little it makes it hard. I get at least 30 to 40 minutes a day but the whole 60 minutes have been tougher then I thought.

I really believed I could blow throw this, that I would be able to do everything and be back at work in two weeks. But now I see that it’s not that simple. If I don’t have my water and protein intake up, I will not be returning to work in two weeks like I had planned. But rather in a month. My work is all prepare for me to be out the full 8 weeks but I really didn’t want to take that much time away from work.

Well, I’m going to try to go back to bed and see if sleep well finally find me.

Blowing Some Steam

2010-03-01T15:31:00.000-06:00

Maybe it’s the pain meds or maybe I’m just cranky but there are few things I just need to get off my chest.

Every morning the landlord takes Molly for her morning walk before he leaves for work. It’s has become their special time together. And after the walk she comes running into my room and jumps on me to wake me up for the morning. And while most morning I welcome this since the surgery I have been able to avoid it by getting up before the landlord. But last night was my worst night since the surgery. I wasn’t in major pain enough to take the pain meds but enough to be uncomfortable all night having a hard time to fall asleep. My stomach was tender, especially in the morning from all the movements during to night. Before I knew it the landlord is encouraging Molly to jump on me. And of course she jumps on my stomach with all her might. Now, I know she is only 8 pounds but the contact brought so much pain that I could not help but to scream out in pain. It was not only the impact of Molly but then how my body reacted to the jump by tensing up and making quick movements to protect my core from another attack. I was in so much pain that it brought tears to my eyes. All I could do was lay there and try to breath through the pain as the tears flowed down my cheeks. The in the background I heard the landlord making fun of me.

L: Oh my stomach, don’t jump on my stomach. (In a whining voice).

I could not believe it. What kind of person first of all thinks it’s a good idea to let a small dog jump on someone after they have had major surgery then laugh at that person when they are crying and in pain? What kind of person finds that funny?

It was incredible to me that he would be so thoughtless. Anytime he is sick, I think of all the things that would make him feel better. What can I do to make him feel better? I stay with him to keep him company, I get whatever he needs for him so he can just relax and heal. But now I see it doesn’t go the opposite way.

He has yet to stay home one night to keep me company. Heaven for bid, he stays home one night from the bar to keep his best friend company.

When I went to the store and came back with a few bags of stuff, he didn’t even offer to help. I didn’t even bother asking for help. I knew he won’t get off his ass to help. Instead I made many trips to the car to get one bag at a time. And let me tell you, I have never felt so horrible after a shopping trip like I did that day. I was so tired I had to sit in the middle of the kitchen just to catch my breath and deal with the pain of being on my feet for over an hour. I had no idea that it was going to be so tough. I ended up only going to one store and didn’t get a chance to get a scale. But to my surprise, you can order it online so I did. As soon as I get it I will update you on my weight.

He is against me having a treadmill in the house so I can get my 60 minutes of walking in a day. Why he is so against it, I am not sure.

It’s becoming clear to me that he is not supporting me in any of this. That I am really on my own and that I really have no one close to me to support me or encourage me while I make this journey. It saddens me that he would be so selfish. And it saddens me that others I hardly know are more supportive then he is.

And I am tired of him using his drinking as an excuse for everything. It’s getting old. Really old. I can’t come home during lunch one day because of work to let Molly out and I’m the bad guy. I’m a horrible dog owner and just a bad person. But he comes home from a night of drinking and he can’t take Molly out because he is too drunk. He sticks her in the kennel for the night and she goes over 15 hours without going to the bathroom. Hmm…who is the bad dog owner?

Current Weight: 227

2010-02-27T15:34:00.002-06:00

I haven't weighed myself since Thursday. I don't have a scale at home. When I feel better, I will go out and get one.

I'm in alot more pain then I thought I would be. As of right now, I use my pain medications every four hours. And I am not a peson who likes to take pain medictions. The stuff I was given is very concentrated and it takes very little to pretty much knock me out.

Drinking the 64oz of water is a lot more diffcult then it sounds. And the 60 grams of protein, I'm lucky if I can eat a 4oz of yogurt and one egg in 24 hours. The feeling of fullest is umcomfortable and painful.

I will keep you updated as more happens. But right now, I think the pain meds are kicking in and I need to go lay down.

2.5 hours before surgery

2010-02-23T08:38:00.001-06:00

Still not nervous...excited to get it over with. Right now waiting to go to the hospital. I won't be able to post until after surgery. So wish me luck.

The Day Before Surgery

2010-02-22T18:15:00.002-06:00

It’s the day before surgery and I’m not nervous…yet. Incase some of you are wonder what surgery; I am going in for a gastric bypass. Starting tomorrow, food will no longer be my friend.

I am excited for this big change in my life. The chance to be healthy and feel normal. To not be so self aware of my misshapen body and maybe even like my body once all this is done. It will be a long journey with many bumps along the way. It isn’t going to be easy from what I have heard and read but I feel I am up for the fight and finally…finally win the war with my weight. Take back control of my body and my feelings of my self image and worth.

Many have asked why I decided to take this road and take such measures to lose weight. If at all I thought I could do this on my own, I would. But at this point in my life, I know myself well enough to know that I can’t get a grip on my ever growing body without help. Gastric bypass is not the answer…it’s a tool. A tool that will give me the edge to have a better chance at being successful to reach my goal weight(s).

Current weight: 233 (235 if you take what the doctors scale said. I personally like the smaller number so we are going with that).
Realistic weight goal: 150
Ideal weight goal: 130
Dream weight goal: 115

Avatar

2010-01-23T20:21:00.001-06:00

I went to see Avatar today. It is the first time I went to see a movie all by myself. It wasn't planned that way, my friend was suppose to see it with me but I got stood up (not much of a friend). I hate doing things like that by myself and avoid at all cost. Which is why I had asked my girlfriend to go with me but whatever. I kind of figured it would happen. A lot of people have been telling me not to trust anything she does but I didn't believe them until now. Very disappointing. It saddens me that they were all right. While i have tried to defend her all these years and trusted in her friendship i no longer can. i have now cut all ties with her and all of her drama.

The movie...awesome. I would totally see it again. And that is saying a lot since i don't see movies often if they are not on DVD. Go see it. Worth the $9.00.

I was told today i needed to smoke, that i have become mean since i have quit smoking. And as much as i hate too, i have to agree. I am the meanest person i know and it has gotten worse with no cigarettes. I can't wait until the cravings go away to lessen the stress.

Whatever

2010-01-21T17:45:00.002-06:00

So my neighbor Bob is upset with me because his ex-girlfriend (Lindsey) reads my blog and is unhappy that he has a free loading whore living with him. He texted my landlord calling me a “fuken btch” (his spelling is worse then mine) for writing about him.

Now, let me ask you, is it my fault that he has a whore living with him? Is it my fault that he is old enough to be her father and he is sleeping with her? Is it my fault that his ex-girlfriend reads my blog? Is it my fault that he was making out with the free loading whore at the bar in front of everyone? Is it my fault that his ex-girlfriend is upset with him for his actions? Is it my fault that Bob uses women like he does rental equipment? I think not.

And really what did the ex-girlfriend think was going to happen once she left and decided to move back home? After all she stole Bob away from a married women he was dating. Yes, you read that right. Bob was dating a woman who was married and he was cheating on her with Linsey. And Lindsey was very well aware that Bob was dating the married woman. Bob has even been back to the married women since Linsey went back home to MI. You lose them the way you got them, sweetheart.

This is my blog and I will write about whatever the fuck I want. I don’t really give a shit about my neighbor, the free loading whore or his ex-girlfriend. Maybe Bob shouldn’t be doing things he doesn’t want to get back to his ex-girlfriend. Maybe Bob needs to grow the fuck up and start dating real women with real values and try to have a grown up relationship for a change. Maybe then Bob won’t have all these problems.

Update

2010-01-20T14:17:00.001-06:00

School started again after a well needed two week break for the holidays. While getting A's was nice, at this point I just want to be done and get this over with.

The bar life has been the same. The same people, the same issues and the same drama. Well, there is this new girl, Vanesa. She was well received at the bar. She is cute and friendly and will talk to anyone. She and I have becomes closer and we have hung out a few times (even went shopping together). She brings in her cute younger friends to the bar and the men of course drool. I find it funny that they think they might actually have a chance with any of Vanesa's friends. First of all they are all at least 10 years older then the girls. These girls all want husband's and the whole suburban life, not seat at the bar watching sports. They like going to clubs, being taken out and pampered. Not called broads, bitches and treated like a piece of shit (which most of the men who goes to the bar tends to do…I know I'm in the bar everyday and know these guys very well). But its entertaining to watch.

Talk about entertaining to watch, so my neighbor Bob comes up to the bar with his new "roommate". She is young, like 22 living with a guy who is 45 (if not older) for rent free. You can not be telling me that she isn't giving up the poon. There is no way any guy is going to let you live free in his house without some sort of payment. Anyhow, they come up the bar and al the men notice. Not surprising, she is a new female face. The landlord is of course all over it (funny how he doesn't care that his friend/neighbor is with her). She flatters him by telling him he is cute and he falls for it all. Why do men not see this? She is playing a game, a game she is very good at. SHE IS LIVING IN SOMEONE HOUSE FOR FREE! WAKE UP PEOPLE! She flatters you to get what she wants and it's so in her nature that she does it all the time. Not once did I see her talking to a girl. But the end of the night she is making out with "her" landlord (the neighbor, not my landlord). I wonder if it bothers her that he is old enough to be her father. I am guessing not, after all she is living at his house for free and getting all of her bills paid for. I really need to take lessons from her.

Last Saturday, I tended a certification class to get my bartending license with Vanesa. The class itself wasn't bad and I actually learned a lot. Half way through the class I looked over to a guy sitting two seats away from me and noticed he had his hand down his pants and was playing with himself. EWWW! Who does that in public? I mean, I know guys do it all the time but it's normally in the privacy of your own home. Not this guy!

I have been completely smoke free since the beginning of the year! It's making me a very cranky person. I will need to work on this. I notice I am super short with people. Like last night this guy name Toby (who annoys me normally) said hi to me and talked to me in his whiney voice as normal and I snapped. I told him why he talks like a fucking idiot and why he was talking to me at all. He seemed a bit taken back and walked away. Then there is this Benny guy who never shuts up. He is 72 and still thinks he is a young hunk. He said asked me something and I replied with, "I don't know Benny, when are you going to die already?" Yeah, I know…bad. They need to make some kind of pill that makes you stop smoking but makes you a nice person all at the same time. Oh, and I have been eating like crazy. No cigarettes, more food. My lungs will be healthier but I will more then likely die of being fat. Choked by my own fat in my sleep.

New Obsessions for 2010

2010-01-02T03:02:00.004-06:00

23 and counting...
8 and counting (fake ones of course...can't afford the real deal)...
13 and counting...

Juat a Little Bit

2009-11-12T10:23:00.000-06:00

Working and going to school full time with no caffeine and no cigarettes has caused me to be one cranky person.

Veterans' Day

2009-11-11T08:54:00.001-06:00

Thank you.

Not All Babies Are Cute

2009-11-03T14:44:00.001-06:00

WTF

2009-11-03T10:07:00.001-06:00

It's not a secret that writing is not one of my talents. So when I decided to go back to school, I knew that I was going to need the landlord's help when it came to proofreading my papers.

Every week he helps me with my paper, to make sure I am using the correct grammar, correct tense and of course spelling. Last night was no different. He came home and began to read my paper. Few words in and he wanted me to read the paper out loud to him. OK, no biggy, he will follow along as I read it out loud.

At first everything was great. He was following along and if any changes needed to be made he was making them as I read. But suddenly somewhere between conflict resolution section of my paper and communication strategies, his head was on the desk, eye closed and sleeping.

Me: WTF! How are you helping me by sleeping?

L: I am not sleeping, I was listening.

Me: How are you helping me and proofreading with your head on the desk and your eyes closed?

L: I was listening to you.

Me: No, you are supposed to proofread. Proofreading requires you to have your fucking eyes open and looking at the paper!

L: No, I was listening to you read the paper.

Me: How do you know if I have a spelling error, how do you know I am reading what the papers says correctly?

L: You are reading it as it is aren't you?

Me: I have read this paper 10 times. I could be reading it wrong. Your fresh eyes will catch those things I may miss and you can't catch those things if your head is on the desk and your eyes are closed!

L: I don't know why you are yelling at me.

Me: Because you promised to help. You know this is important to me and you are taking this like it's no big deal.

I am paying $1700 for this class. And I can get all of it reimbursed by my work if I get an A. So better believe it that I am working my fat ass off to get an A. But fucknut over there doesn't think that's important.

The night ended with both of us yelling at each other and slamming doors. As of right now, I'm pretty pissed off and really don't want to deal with the asshole. This is just another thing in a long line of bullshit of his.

I got offered to move in with someone else for $100 less a month. It's even closer to my work, if that is possible. Really thinking about it after the last few days I have had. $100 is a lot of money to save a month. It would be cutting my rent by 25%. Plus I get free golf lessons!

Sorry Puppy

2009-10-30T14:31:00.001-05:00

Molly chewed up some of the landlord's things last night and he wasn't happy. So unhappy that he didn't come home for lunch to visit Molly and I. So we sent this to him.

Weekend Update

2009-10-26T11:30:00.001-05:00

I have never thought of myself as a wallflower. I tend to be pretty outgoing and can talk anyone's ear off. But this Saturday at the Halloween party, I was a wallflower.

I just didn't feel like I belonged. Maybe it was because I was 10 years older then everyone else there or maybe because all the women at the party were young, thin and attractive wearing very skimpy costumes. Or maybe it was the strippers that were doing pole dances or the go-go dancer wannabes in the cage dancing. Whatever the reason, I spent most of my time up against the wall. I tried to stick close to the landlord but then he yelled at me to stop following him.

Lucky for me the FA and his wife were kind enough to let me tag along with them. And while the FA got a bit annoying with his "OH YEAH" and "SNAP IN TO IT" (he was the Macho Man, Randy Savage) his wife (Lady Gaga) stayed by my side to make sure I wasn't alone (she's a saint).

When and how I became this shy, party pooper wallflower I will never know. It just isn't really like me not to be able to strike up a conversation with others to keep myself entertained. After good three hours, the landlord and I left and headed home.

Sunday night I was working the door at the corner bar for a birthday party that was taking place. The birthday boy (Latin Barbie, Hugo) had a Halloween theme party (perfect for all his gay drag queen friends). It was quite fun to watch all the beautiful costumes these drag queens were wearing and watching the landlord trying to figure out if any of them were actually girls. His eyes darted from one queen to another. Finally he gave up, hung his head down and repeatedly told to himself that he wasn't gay. The party was in high gear when I was excuse from my post and allowed to go home. I was tried from a busy weekend.

I think I am beginning to feel my age. That not only do I notice I am just way too old for some situations but I find them to be annoying and actually work to attend. I look at some of the regulars at the bar who are much older then I am and wonder if they ever feel the tap of old age creeping up on them. Herb a regular who is 51 (known as the bar creepy old man) is always trying to talk to younger girls and hit on them. And I wonder if he is aware of his behavior or others like him notice that they just aren't in their 20's and at some point and time, we all must act our age.

Normal

2009-10-21T13:29:00.001-05:00

I haven't had a lot of interesting post as of late. And to be honest, that's a good thing…right? I mean it doesn't entertain you people with my boring posts but it does mean my life is taking another direction. That maybe just maybe my life isn't a disaster as it was a year ago.

I think with so much going on in my life that there just isn't any time for me to get into situations that make for good reading. I mean, I could write about how I spend a whole night writing a paper for school but how much fun would that be? Or how, I was sicker then a dog for three days and I slept 18 hours of the day but once again…boring!

I'm beginning to think that I am becoming normal. A normal adult with normal adult responsibilities, living a normal life. It's a good thing…right?

I Think The Landlord Was In A Bear Costume

2009-10-20T14:55:00.001-05:00

HAYWARD, Wis. (AP) -- Shoppers in a Wisconsin grocery store got an unexpected surprise when a 125-pound black bear wandered inside and headed straight for the beer cooler.

The bear stopped Thursday night at Marketplace Foods in Hayward, about 140 miles northeast of Minneapolis, sauntering through the automatic doors and heading straight for the liquor department.

It calmly climbed up 12 feet onto a shelf in the beer cooler where it sat for about an hour while employees helped evacuate customers and summoned wildlife officials.

Officials from the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources tranquilized the animal and took it out of the store. Store workers say the bear seemed content in the cooler and did not consume any alcohol.

"A"

2009-10-20T13:54:00.001-05:00

I got my final grade in my first class and it's an A! How awesome is that? I had to pull some long nights and one night of crying but I did it. I do have to give the landlord some credit. He has been very helpful. So as much as is pains me…thank you. Ughh, that hurt. I hate that.

I have already started a new class, Business Communications. I just turned in my first paper and I feel pretty good about it. With luck, I hope to get an A in this class too. Then, when my boss signs my tuition reimbursement, I can have some cash (to put into savings of course)!

Crazy World

2009-10-14T13:25:00.001-05:00

If Filippa Hamilton who is 5'10" and 120 pounds is considered too fat..how am I ever going to appear normal and thin in the eyes of the world?

Good Lord, I must look like a giant great white whale just rolling around on land.

Sick

2009-10-14T10:12:00.001-05:00

I have been sicker then a dog. It has not been fun and the timing was bad. Not only did I have a major project due for school, which was 30% of my final grade but I have no vacation time or sick time left. I don't know if it is the swine flu, I really don't care. All I know is that I am achy all over, I have the chills, I need at least 6 blankets on me to stay warms, I have a fever and my throat is pretty raw. Oh, and when I cough, I pee. Yep, I pee. I was standing out in the hallway and I cough…I peed a little in the hallway. The landlord laughed at me.

I blame this on the landlord, since he was sick first…bastard.

Last night, he made me take Molly for a walk around the block to poop because he was too drunk. He made the sick, weaken female walk the dog at 2AM because he was too drunk. What kind of a dick cheese is he? Who does that? I mean what were my options? Not take the dog out, have her poop inside the house? Which would have caused me to gag and cough which would have made me pee giving me double the mess to clean up? Of course, walking around the block wasn't that fun either. Even Molly didn't want to do it. Especially when we got to an area that wasn't lit well, she stop look at me like I was out of my mind her making her do this, making me drag her.

My neighborhood isn't bad but it is still 2AM in Milwaukee. Anything can happen to a fat girl and her 8 pound puppy. There are killers out there that would harm a plump girl like me because they have some weird hatred for chubby girls and think we should all die. The saying fat people are harder to kidnap…wrong. You wave a fried piece of chicken in front of us and we will go anywhere with anyone.

Mmmm…fried chicken. I would love some fried chicken right now.

Olive Garden...Tonight

2009-10-09T11:47:00.001-05:00

Homework Afterall...

2009-10-01T22:59:00.001-05:00

I thought I wasn’t going to do any homework but I was wrong. After sitting at the bar for two hours and really no one talking to me (no one bothered to show up), I got a bit sad and went home. I guess that is what I get for having friends who don’t really care. I know not everyone celebrates their birthdays and many think it is stupid but, I don’t feel that way.

Anyhow, I ended up doing my outlines for a major project for school. Which I guess is the smart thing to do…right?

So here I sit, alone on my birthday all dressed up, alone, feeling a bit down and shedding few tears. It’s almost 11pm and I’m heading to bed.

Happy Birthday to me.

It's My Birthday and I'm Not Doing Homework Tonight

2009-10-01T20:22:00.001-05:00

For the first time since I started school I am not doing homework tonight. I am going to enjoy a night off from my studies and relax. I'm sure I will regret my decision to skip one night tomorrow but for now...it's on baby!

Turning 35 you would think be easy but as I reflect on my life, I see I have a lot of things that I need to take care of.

First, I need to quit smoking.
Second, finish school and get my CPA.
Third, get the gastric bypass.

Some major changes are coming. The choice to have the gastric bypass has been made and already in the works. With hope I will be under the knife in February. I have to stop smoking before the surgery or I will not be able to get the surgery. School will just take time but I hope to be done with my BA, MBA and CPA by the time I am 40. Also, by the time I am 40 I hope to be 130 with a new energy for life. This will be a bit harder. Getting the gastric bypass isn't easy. It's a total life change and breaking old habits and breaking up with my best friend, food. I will need to have excess skin removed once the weigh is gone and of course get some boobs that don't look like tube socks weighted by rocks. Which in turn means saving major money. No shopping for clothes, no shoes or anything.

Like I said major changes but I am up for the challenge and actually looking forward to it. I will do my best to keep you updated and keep you in the loop.

So Sorry!

2009-09-23T21:01:00.000-05:00

I know I have not been posting a lot but school is kicking my ass and I find little time to for fun things. Not only do I attend school full time, but I still work full time and have joined the bar pool league. I barely sleep these days and taking care of image and this blog has been put on the bottom of the list.

It is rare to find me nowadays wear make up or even shower on the weekend. So bare with me as I try to get a handle on my schedule. As I get better at this shit I will try to post more.

But the good news is that I’m getting a 95% in school for far. We will see how long I can keep that up.

Things Fat Girls Should Not Wear...

2009-08-21T14:14:00.001-05:00

Bikinis...if from the back it doesn't look like you are wearing a bikini top because your back fat is covering up the material.

Shorts…if your shorts are riding up. Your vagina looks like it is trying to snack on your shorts.

Low rise pants…if you have a big gut and your belly looks like a muffin top in them.

Thongs…if your ass is lumpy. Your man doesn't want to see your butt that looks like someone has been beating your ass with a meat tenderizer.

Strappy shoes…if your feet looks like an Easter ham all tied up, cutting off the blood flow to your toes. Or if all of your toes don't stay in the straps.

Small tops…if you can clearly count all the fat rolls or if your belly is peeking through the bottom when raising your arms.

Small bras…if it looks like you have little boobs on top of your big boobs. Just because you were a 34C back in the day doesn't mean you are a 34C now.

Weekend Update

2009-08-10T17:37:00.001-05:00

This weekend was just fucked up. First, the landlord and I had planned on going fishing with the Polock on Friday night. That didn't happen. The landlord didn't want to get wet and cancelled the fishing trip.

L: Pretty boys don't get wet.

Fucking pussy.

So we planned to go at 3AM on Saturday (Sunday morning). I set the alarm for 2AM in the landlord's room. First the alarm goes off for 24 minutes…he didn't wake up. I went into his room to wake him up. First I was nice. I gentle shook him…no luck. Then I pulled the covers off…no luck. I kicked him, I pushed him, and I yelled at him…nothing. So I went into the kitchen and got two metal pots and banged them together in his room…nothing. So I banged them harder, so hard I broke both handles…nothing. I went back into the kitchen put the broken pots away and grabbed a water bottle from the cooler. I walked into the landlord's room.

Me: I'm going to pour water on you if you do not get up!

Nothing.

So, I open the water bottle and began to pour it on his face. Before I knew it, the landlord was up. He pushed me into the wall with all of his might sending me flying back. I recovered quickly and got my balance back. Then he began to swing at me. He was punching my arms while he was screaming at me.

L: WTF! What are you doing, get the fuck out of my room!

Me: I warned you! Your alarm has been going off for 24 fucking minutes! I tried to wake you up nicely!

L: Get the fuck out of my room or I'm calling the cops!

Me: You are going to call the cops? You pushed me asshole and hit me, so go ahead and call the cops you drunk dumb fucker. It won't be me going to jail asshole!

He grabs for his phone.

L: I'm going to call the cops! This is bullshit!

Me: Go ahead call them! I hope you like getting fucked up the ass, pretty boy! Because it won't be me going to jail, you woman beater!

He fumbles with his phone for a few seconds. As I'm walking out of his bedroom he asks:

L: You got the number for the Milwaukee police dept?

Me: Are you fucking kidding me? Get the number yourself!

I have the number in my cell phone but I'm not going to make this easy for him.

After having to deal with the stupid fucking dumb asshole of a landlord I needed a smoke. So I stepped outside to calm down and enjoy a much needed cigarette. I sat down trying to slow down my heartbeat and bring my blood pressure down. I leaned my head back on the chair and let my head drop to my left shoulder. Enjoying the silence, I regained my composer and smoked my cigarette.

In the distances I heard a car pull up and saw it was Rich our neighbor. He must have been just getting home. I watched him for a while and wondered what was taking so long for him to get out of his car. It seemed like forever. Finally he made his was out of his car and was standing there in the street talking to himself. The he turn towards my directions and started to head over.

Fuck. The last thing I want to deal with was him. I just wasn't in the mood.

It was dark on the deck. I sunk into my chair and hid my cigarette in hopes he won't see me. He walked towards the deck and stopped and looking. It looked like he was looking to see if anyone was up and about. I held my breath. I prayed he won't notice me. Just turn around and go home.

Then it got weird.

He stood at the bottom of the stairs for a few seconds. Then he slowly climbed the stairs. Really slow trying not to make noise. He even had his lips pressed together trying not to breathe to make noise. He was gently touching the railing with only his finger tips. He was creeping up the steps.

WTF!

He hadn't seen me. He thought no one was on the deck, so why creep up my deck?

Then it hit me. The landlord always leaves the cooler outside wit beer in it. It just seems easier then trying to bring it inside every night. He was coming up the stairs to grab some beer. But why be all sneaky about it? He gets free beer all the time when he comes over and a few beers won't be a big deal. But the policy always was just ask. Not that we will ever day no but just ask. And you can't ask if we are in bed, which normally we are at 3am.

He finally got up to the top of the stairs and took a few steps in when he saw me.

R: Oh! (Looking like a deer caught in headlights).

Me: Hi Rich. What's up?

R: Ahh, nothing. I…smelled the fire and…thought I come and check on it. What are you doing up…so late?

Me: Having a smoke, couldn't sleep.

R: Oh, yeah. (Nervous laugh)

Me: Just get home from work?

R: Yeah, it was a busy day.

He comes over and sits and begins to look around.

R: Where is…the small cooler?

Me: The Polock took it with him fishing.

R: Ahh. Is there beer in this cooler? (Pointing to the big one)

Me: Yep.

I knew he was waiting for me to offer him a beer. He opened the big cooler by his feet. It was filled to the top with beer and ice. I had just filled it for the fishing trip.

R: Well, I should go to bed. I just wanted to make sure the fire was ok. (Laughing nervously) See I even watch over your house when you guys are home.

Me: Hmm…good night.

As he left I watched him. I could see the relief washing over his face like he had pulled a fast one on me. As soon as he was out of view I moved the cooler. It was too heavy for me to lift but I could drag it over to the corner and cover it. I covered it with three towels, Molly food dish and piece of loud metal.

If that little retarded fucker is going to steal beer he would have to make noise to do it. I don't like people who take from me or people I care about. It's not even about the beer. Beer is cheap and the landlord is always willing to share. But why steal from the guy who is always willing to offer you all the free beer you want? Why be just a fucking weasel about it?

Rich didn't come over on Sunday before he left for work, which is unusual. My guess is that he came back looking to take a few beers and saw I had hid the cooler and knew of his little midnight thieving plans.

I can't wait for the next time he comes over because I am going to bust him out and make him feel like shit for stealing.

Oh Boy...

2009-08-03T09:19:00.001-05:00

I am all signed up and ready for school to start in September. I should be getting my schedule really soon.

What is the plan? 2 years for the BA in accounting. 2 years for the MBA in accounting and 1 year for the CPA. I will be 40 by then...ughh.

I'm nervous as ever. What if I don't do well? What if I don't understand anything? What if I can't do it? What if I am just wasting my time and money? The first time wasn't that easy in business management.

I Don't Get It

2009-07-30T15:05:00.001-05:00

Tell me if this makes any sense to you.

The landlord is cheap. I have to turn off the water in the shower when shaving my legs. The heat in the house during the winter is set on 59. He has turned off the hot water in the bathroom sink because he doesn't want to spend the money to fix the leak. He doesn't flush the toilet if he only pees because it uses a gallon of water (his motto: if it's yellow, let it mellow; brown maybe flush it down). He stopped using his night light in his bedroom because it was costing too much to have it on and ended up peeing all over his room.

Cheap, cheap, cheap.

However, instead of using the free plastic bags you get from the stores, he is using the ziplock bags to pick up Molly's poop every afternoon. A new bag everyday. Ziplock bags which cost money vs the free plastic bags they give you at stores. How is this being cost effective?

I don't get it

Betrayed

2009-07-27T19:10:00.001-05:00

I don’t call many people my friends. It’s just not really in me to get close to people. So if I call someone my friend I tend to go all in.

With a few of my friend I shared something very personal, really personal. Each believing that no one else knew but them. I trusted and believed that it would be a secret they went to the grave with and would only discuss with me. This turned out to be not the case.

First, I found out someone outside of my group of friends knew my secret. Then second, I found out two of my friends were “discussing” my secret. WTF!

How did this person, who I hardly talk with, find out my personal secret? Who told them? And why or how were the two friends I trusted talking about my personal secret or “discussing” it? It’s not like it should have come up in normal conversation. And if by chance it had, they both should have pretended like they knew nothing about it and protected my secret. But no, this wasn’t what happened.

Neither will admit to telling anyone else, which can’t be true, since someone else knows, someone I didn‘t want to know and someone I did not tell myself. So someone is lying and to be honest, I have no idea who. From what others tell me, I shouldn’t have trusted either. That they both have a reputation for talking, according to others. Both are pointing fingers at each others, I have no idea who to believe.

At this point, I trust neither and feel very betrayed by both. Not only did one of them shared something that is very personal to me which they had no right to, they are now lying to me and pretty much making a fool out of me.

You would think at the age of 34 (they are older) that I won’t have these type of issues. But I guess it’s a lesson learned. Trust no one when it comes to people.

I’m hurt, angry and feel lost. If I can’t trust my best of friends then who can I trust? This just reinforces my theory that people suck in general and really better off without most people in your life. And you wonder why I cling onto the landlord like I do. He has never lied or betrayed me, he is a dick and an asshole but he has never betrayed my trust.

Stole This From Another Blog...Thanks

2009-07-27T18:21:00.002-05:00

It's 3:30 In The Morning and Do You Know What Your Landlord Is Doing?

2009-07-24T13:02:00.001-05:00

It's 3:30 in the morning and I hear noises coming from the landlord's room. I knew it was him trying to find his way out of the bedroom to use the bathroom.

About two months ago I got him a 48 foot rope light for his room. Not only did I get the rope light but I also installed it. I outlined the door and made a big "X" on the door and had it lead to the bathroom. As you well know he has trouble finding his way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. But after using it few weeks he decided it was too costly to use every night and turned it off. And it had been ok. I haven't heard him threaten me with a golden shower if I don't lead him to the bathroom, having him pee in the kitchen sink or out his window.

That is until Wednesday night.

As I said it was 3:30. I can hear him banging into the furniture and walls. You can hear him curse softly under his breath. After a few minutes he calls me.

JUUUULIEEEE

I wasn't going to move. I was comfortable, I was warm and I was naked (I sleep naked all the time). I'm not getting out of bed…no way. Well that turned out to be a mistake.

Because the next thing I hear is the landlord peeing in his room.

I whipped out of bed and ran to his room and turned on the light.

Me: WTF!

L: This is your fault!

Me: How is this my fault?

L: If you helped me to the bathroom I won't be peeing on myself right now.

He was standing there with his hips forward, one hand on the wall and the other on his hips and his underwear still on (yes he didn't bother to pull out the dick) peeing into his clothes basket. When finished he went to the bathroom to clean up.

At this point I was laughing and went back to bed but thought that I really needed was a picture of this situation. So I grabbed my robe and went to the kitchen to get my cell phone. When I returned he was back in his room not looking happy.

L: This is all your fault!

I tried get in the door way so I could get a picture of the mess but his big body blocked the door.

Me: It's not my fault. Let me get a picture of it.

L: FUCK YOU! Get out of my room!

SLAM!

Me: C'mon!

L: FUCK OFF!

The next morning I went in there to see the damage done. As I got closer it was clear that it wasn't just the dirty clothes basket that got peed on. It was all over the floor, the wall and on his bed. In a better mood then at 3:30 in the morning he still blamed me for not showing him to the bathroom.

How a well educated 32 year old man can't find his way out of a 12x14 room is beyond me.

So I got him a new night light. A small angel that hangs by the light switch. It won't cost too much to have it on all night and with hope he won't be having accidents anymore in his room.

Email from the landlord the next day: I'm sleeping in your room tonight. Better make sure you don't have any clothes on the floor.

Great.

Be Careful

2009-07-21T16:04:00.001-05:00

There I was laying there trying to sleep. The puppy was like a little oven heating up the side of my body and the landlord snoring away. I looked at the clock and it was 2AM. I had to get some sleep. The landlord rolled over taking most of the covers with him. I grabbed some in enough time before I was left with nothing. After all it is my bed, my comforter and sheets. I held on to the little bit of the comforter I had tight to my chest. I closed my eyes trying to shut out the noise coming from the landlord. Rolling over must help with snoring because it was all quiet. Finally, quiet. I relaxed a bit and released my iron grip on the comforter and immediately the covers were tugged towards the landlord. I tighten my grip on the comforter. The landlord has rolled over so much that he was half off the bed and the only thing holding him was the comforter and my grip. Unable to sleep I began to play with my grip. Hold and release, hold and release. Giggling to myself, I did this for a minute. Finally I just let go of the comforter.

THUG

L: Ouch (in a sleepy voice).

Me: Are you ok? You have to be more careful. How did you fall out of bed?

L: I don't know but I'm fine.

Me: You could have hurt yourself, be careful.

I giggled to myself with satisfaction and shut my eyes.

New Fire Pit

2009-07-20T12:56:00.000-05:00

I love it!

Hell Yeah!

2009-07-14T13:06:00.001-05:00

Taco Tuesday is officially on!

What could be better then friends, yummy tacos and the All-Star game on TV? I think nothing other then me winning like 1000 trillion dollars in Powerball.

Odds And Ends

2009-07-14T09:27:00.001-05:00

Hoping I get my glasses soon. These headaches are killing me.

I made my own flower hair clips, ended up saving a butt load of cash then buying them. And they look fabulous.

My shoulder has been hurting me for the past month, wondering if I should get it checked out or not. It hurts even when I cough.

I care WAY too much what my neighbor Rich is up to, when he doesn't show up at my house like he normally does for free beer and a bonfire.

Prince won the Home Run Derby! So cool.

Fishing And UFC

2009-07-13T16:11:00.001-05:00

I did something new this weekend…I went fishing. Yes, people, I went fishing. Six hours on the lake and I didn't catch a darn thing. But I did get to drive the boat and I learned I can park a boat very well.

Molly fell in the water within the first two minutes (she floats!) and the landlord almost went in belly first into the water when trying to get the boat lined up with the trailer.

The only person who caught anything was the Polock. I think taking out two idiots and showing them how to fish was good karma for him because he caught 1 perch, 1 bluegill, 2 bass and 1 weird snake headed fish.

No one got hurt, well the landlord kind of got hurt, and we only lost one fishing pole. I think we are going back out this weekend.

I also watched my first UFC fight. The lawyer and her boyfriend hosted a UFC night on Saturday. And I must say George St-Pierre is way yummy. Brock Lesnar not so much. I am not sure what the girls at the party saw in him. He looks like a fat ass to me. George to me had the better body. I have no doubt that Brock is a strong man but in the bedroom, I am the only one allow to have back fat. Plus Brock doesn't look too smart. I'm pretty sure that Molly is smarter then he is and she is only 8pds with a brain the size of a golf ball.

Sunday I didn't get up until noon and went to bed by 11pm. Pretty lazy day but totally worth it. I did get some gardening done but other then that I really didn't do much.

Side note: Casey, thanks for the website on how to repel mosquitoes…do you think they really work? Should I be showering in Listerine? And does it have to be the brand Listerine or will any mint mouthwash do?

FA: Do I have to dress up for your party this Thursday? I don't know if the landlord is going…you will have to ask him.

Update

2009-07-08T13:56:00.001-05:00

I have been getting these horrible headaches lately. To the point where I want to rip out my brain, take a hose to it and beat it a little to just make it behave. The only thing that seemed to help was to go to my room, turn off the lights, pull the blinds, put a pillow over my head, close the door and sleep it off for a few hours. Finally someone at work told me that it may be my computer that is bothering me at work and to get my eyes checked out. So I did.

The results: +0.75 and need anti-glare coating on the lenses.

I found a great website where I can get glasses for cheap, so I ordered some.

Karla and I went to the store to get food for dinner last night. Taco Tuesdays! There is nothing like homemade tacos! As we were going down the frozen aisle Karla saw some Snickers ice cream.

K: Oooo, we have to get some.

Me: No, we don't need it. But these frozen yogurt looks good, they are 10 for $10.

K: No, the Snickers!

Me: That is too much and way to sweet.

K: But I want it! C'mon! Don't make me have a tantrum.

I crossed my arms over my chest and gave her a look.

K: OMG, are you fuckin with me?

I raised an eyebrow.

Karla looks around to see who was all in the area. Then she sat on the floor of the store, pounded her fists on the ground and stomped her feet, yelling 'I WANT ICE CREAM!'

The only person who saw all this was a guy stocking a shelf. He looked at her like she was crazy, unsure of that to do. I'm pretty sure he thought I had a mentally challenge mother (I say mother because the other day someone thought she was my mom, she is 39. Only 5 years older then me).

K: There, happy?

Me: Yep.

I got the ice cream. Anyone who is wiling to make a fool out of herself for a $5.00, should get ice cream.

Rich (the neighborhood kid, he is 32…bit slow) normally comes over on Tuesdays. But yesterday he wasn't anywhere to be found. Kind of bit worrisome, it's not like him to miss out on the free beer, free food, Brewers baseball game on the deck and a chance to see Karla (he is in love with her). We even called his work and his house to see where he was. But around 9:00 he drove up to his house and stumbled into his house. I guess he was out drinking elsewhere other then with us. He must have been really fucked up because he doesn't work on Wednesdays and normally he is all about having a fire and being on our deck. I'm sure we will see him today.

Does anyone know how to keep mosquitoes away...a cheap way? At night sitting on the deck it can be a nightmare. The firepit seems to do an ok job but I still get bit. And I hate using bug spray. If anyone has ideas let me know. Someone said something about a dryer sheet, that didn't work…I tried it.

Boo!

2009-07-03T11:51:00.001-05:00

Having to come into work today sucks.

I'm tired as hell, since I have hardly gotten any sleep in the past two nights. I have a really bad headache and they turn off the air in my building thinking no one would be here.

Just peachy!

No Title

2009-07-02T00:56:00.000-05:00

My bags packed and in the car ready to go.

Oregon man gets his wallet back after losing in 1946 at middle school gym

2009-06-30T09:11:00.001-05:00

BAKER CITY, Ore. (AP) -- Bill Fulton doesn't remember losing his wallet, but its return helped him remember the past. The leather stayed smooth and the cowboy design unblemished. The zipper moved with ease. And when he looked inside, the contents brought back memories from 1946, when he apparently dropped the wallet behind the balcony bleachers in the Baker Middle School gym.

Fulton's Social Security card and bicycle license, bearing the address where he lived during his teenage years, were positioned in their respective compartments, apparently untouched since the year after World War II ended.

"After that long, my gosh, it stayed in good shape," Fulton told the Baker City Herald. "It's hard to believe."

Worker Nathan Osborne found the wallet - along with old homework, lost library books and a 1964 talent show program - while removing the bleachers for renovations on June 17. It was brought to Fulton's door the following day by Melanie Trindle, the Baker Middle School secretary.

"He was pretty much amazed," Trindle said. "He just kept saying, 'Thank you. Thank you so much.' "

Middle School Principal Mindi Vaughan said the brown pine bleachers were connected to the gym balcony's brick wall and had remained in the same place since the school, known as the Helen M. Stack Building, opened in 1936.

Fulton, 78, said he probably lost the wallet while cheering for the Baker High basketball team with a group of friends. Though a high school team, the Bulldogs played at the middle school gym back then.

Fulton said he returned to the gym in the 1960s to watch a basketball game. It's likely he was within a dozen or so feet from his old billfold that night. Both of his children attended the school, so they also must have come near it.

Fulton said the bicycle ID was needed because he delivered medicine for Rodamar Drug. He was surprised, however, that his student ID wasn't inside. He said he always kept it there.

But rather than focus on what was inside the wallet, Fulton said the recovery has led him to reflect on his life - one that took him to the Korean War and Berlin before a return to Baker City. He worked at Ellingson Lumber Company for 30 years, from March 1964 to April 1994.

Since his retirement, Fulton has enjoyed spending time with his 11-year-old black lab, Smokey. The two often hike the nearby mountains.

Trindle's knock on the door, wallet in hand, induced a slight ripple in his life, prompting him to consider times he hadn't thought about in many years. Fulton said he's "covered a lot of country" since 1946.

"Where did all the time go?" Fulton said with a deep sigh. "It's hard to believe that the times have gone so fast."

----This story makes me happy.

A Letter To The Landlord (Dickface)

2009-06-26T09:17:00.001-05:00

Dear Landlord,

I know that we had sex on Monday but please get over yourself in thinking my being upset at your selfish ways has anything to do with what happened on Monday. It was sex not some declare of my love and soul to you.

I will give you that the sex was good. Not bad for a drunk guy who can't find his way out of his bedroom. But if you think it allows you to be an ass to other people, you better think twice.

I was not being 'emotional' about the issue at hand. It simply comes down to the fact you made plans with your friends only to break them without telling anyone.

When you make dinner/game plans with your friends then show up late already eaten someplace else it tends to piss off people. Especially when they had you in mind when buying the food and preparing the food. It's not the easiest to find something that everyone likes and that will make everyone happy. Then to try to make yourself not look like an asshole, throw in my face a past mistake was unbelievable. A mistake which only happened once and was corrected. A mistake which in comparison to what you have done is nothing. But I guess people can't make mistake around you because you never let them forget it.

Yes, I did turn up the stereo really loud last night. And it was childish but really you should be the last person to talk about being a fuck adult. You want me to go there? You want me to play on your fucking level? I didn't fucking think so.

It's pretty sad when all that was needed was, "I'm sorry, I forgot" was needed. All you had to do was show that you didn't mean to be such a dick, or fake it at least.

So, do stop this thinking that your dick has me all fucked up and that your dick drives me to do emotional crap, because it really doesn't. Your dick isn't some magic stick that drives women crazy. It's just a dick like every other dick. And your skills are average just like every other fucking asshole walking on this earth. And it was nothing but a POA.

Love,

The Renter